User manual MINI UNAUTHORIZED

[. . . ] Detailing How to remove greasy prints, onlooker drool spatters and road grime to restore your MINI's lustrous factory finish: Step 1. Bug guts on the grille and muddy fenders are signs of a healthy, well-motored life. Imagine it's like tooling around town in a Jackson Pollock original. But every now and then, you may want to start over with a clean canvas. [. . . ] Ohmmmm. 12 13 TROUBLE GOOD MOJO MUSIC ROMANCE CUSTOMIZE Motoring Accessories Swivel-hipped hula girls and bobbing doggie heads are standard equipment in many automobiles. But as a MINI owner, you may want to consider a few accessory options more suited to your motor vehicle's premium performance prowess. Fig. 11 Making Your Own Dashboard Figurines: The Icons of Good Motoring Mojo STASH BASICS CUSTOMIZING YOUR MINI CUSTOMIZING YOUR MINI Magic 8-Ball® is a trademark owned by and used by permission from Mattel, Inc. Your MINI becomes possessed by the spirit of a recently-deceased skunk. You chauffeur a couple of your alma mater's lacrosse team players who leave their sweaty gear in your backseat. You want her thinking "nice homespun boy", not "Suzie Homemaker". (FEMALE OWNERS: Substitute fine cigars in glove box "humidor" for cookies. ) Fig. "Should I supersize my onion rings?" "Signs point to yes. " Cockpit Toggle Switch Conversation Starters Refer to your factory-authorized MINI owner's manual to familiarize yourself with the layout of all dashboard instrumentation. Then refer to the pre-printed labels (included with this manual) for your own personalized customization. Motorer-related stickers function like post cards to strangers from a life welllived: "This car climbed Mt. Washington", "I got my kicks on Route 66", "Bat out of Carlsbad Cavern". Law School Alumni window decals will make others think twice about messing with you in a Constitutionallyinappropriate manner. 14 What it says: You're a magna cum law-abider. 14 15 TROUBLE GOOD MOJO MUSIC ROMANCE CUSTOMIZE STASH BASICS CUSTOMIZING YOUR MINI CUSTOMIZING YOUR MINI THE BASICS Proper Use of Bumper Stickers Discouraged: Sometimes, though we have the best intentions, comedy can backfire in our faces like a cheap gag exploding cigar. As a conscientious law-abiding motorer, always ask yourself: "To whom am I really talking here"?Below, the top three bumper sticker faux pas: BEST PLACES TO STASH STUFF IN YOUR MINI CUSTOMIZING YOUR MINI Fig. 15 Fill in the blank, go directly to jail. MAKING ROOM FOR ROMANCE IN YOUR MINI Fig. 16 An all-time classic bad idea. MAKING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC WITH YOUR MINI ESSENTIALS OF GOOD MOTORING MOJO Fig. `Til it's time to pay the bail. TROUBLESHOOTING 16 17 TROUBLE GOOD MOJO MUSIC ROMANCE CUSTOMIZE STASH BASICS CUSTOMIZING YOUR MINI Fig. 18 Holding hands while shifting lets you motor along in your relationship: First gear. Leave the in-laws, the ex-boyfriends and the caterer at the altar, and elope in your MINI. 18 19 TROUBLE GOOD MOJO Public Displays of Affection (P. D. A. ) Highly encouraged. A handy feature for attracting Luna moths, playing Romeo & Juliet, illuminating nighttime tailgate parties and locating sexy neighbor's treed kitty. 21) IN EVENT OF BEING HOPELESSLY STRANDED in the middle of nowhere, or just hopelessly bored at home, rake the night sky with your headlights using a Hollywood premiere sweeping motion and let the party (search or otherwise) find you. BEST PLACES TO STASH STUFF IN YOUR MINI CUSTOMIZING YOUR MINI MAKING ROOM FOR ROMANCE IN YOUR MINI MAKING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC WITH YOUR MINI ESSENTIALS OF GOOD MOTORING MOJO TROUBLESHOOTING Fig. [. . . ] And keep the catcalls, woos and whistles for your MINI. 30 31 TROUBLE GOOD MOJO Rotating your Shorts in Public Whether wiggling out of soggy swim trunks at the beach, or slipping into moisture-wicking bike shorts for a ride in the country, follow these instructions for taking it all off and putting it all back on. CAUTION: Car doors should not be used as privacy screens by those over 6' tall. Because of your MINI's lower center of gravity, doors may be inadequate for keeping your private bits out of other people's snooping noses. Sit down inside vehicle and, reaching under towel, use a shimmying motion to remove what you're wearing, taking care not to loosen towel. [. . . ]